Hey guy's, been awhile hasn't it?
I'm sorry for lack of replies and lack of thanking for :+fav's:, and
's. My First Year of college is coming to it's end soon. If anyone has noticed my slight disappearance, I'm sorry, stuff has kind of been going on...
First of all, school. This semester has been slightly harder limiting my actual free drawing time, and when I do have free time I hardly actually draw for fun. I just find that even though I'm at an Art school, it feels like I'm forced to do art, and so it's kind of been fueling, what I'm assuming as anxiety. I used to doodle all the time in highschool, and junior high, as you may remember, but because of school, and having homework EVERY WEEK because of some classes, I have no motivation when I do have free time. I have also noticed I hardly get comments, but that could be because of my absense. Although it seems like most people stopped talking to me ever since I changed to money commissions. But I guess idk. I don't like assuming anything, and I guess it's not a big deal.
I have however started up on working on the commissions I still have to do, which I again apologize for the long wait. I appreciate that you're still waiting, (unless you forgot)(but that's okay xD).
Another thing I want to talk about, if the fact that, out of the real life friends I had since grade 7- now, along with my internet ones, I love you guys a lot still, you're literally one click away if I need someone to talk to, in fact I'm talking to people now. But this has to do with the friends I've made in college, particularly one in general.
And as cliche and childish as it sounds, the moment I saw him on orientation day, I fell in love with him. I met him, got to know him, and slowly found out he was a guy with many masks that he fashioned to comply with certain people he meets. He's almost disappeared twice, and would've done it during the winter if things hadn't gotten so well for him. But he's still here, which makes me happy because, he became so important to me so quickly, that out of what I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of losing him.
In all honesty I found out about my anxiety, and out of the anxiety attacks I've had, they somehow had something to do with him. If I don't hear from him, worrying I bother him.
But now it's gotten to the point that it's hard to take. (don't worry I'm not gonna die or anything)
He did tell me more about him and his true self the day of my birthday, (after my party in which is it was midnight so it was my birthday) and letting out things about myself. I had never been so comfortable around someone, and I know he cared about me (I don't know to what extent) and was comfortable around me. But, in February, he came over and my mom convinced him to stay for dinner. After that, he opened up to me in person, and I'm usually good with things like this. I'm usually able to talk to people, however I was afraid of pushing him away, and ended up not saying anything at all. After that, it started feeling distant, every time I saw him there was more awkward silences, and distance that caused me to become upset. It felt like he started to ignore me, and when I finally confronted him, he told me he had gone back to his self before I had met him. He said that I don't bother him, nothing I thought I might've done to bother him never did, but he went back to the person he was before the masks, which is fine, it's good to know he's being himself, but the fact that he said he doesn't trust himself with people anymore.... makes me feel like he regrets ever opening up to me. I don't know what to think anymore. I've tried pushing him out, but I can't, something always happens that keeps him in my head. Keeps making me feel this way, and even though I tell myself I should leave my options open, no one would compare to him. I'll never find someone like him, and even after everything he's been through, who he is, what he is. He's always been perfect to me. I can't stop loving him.
It seems like the 4 most important people to me are going through something hard.
My best friend wants to die, her depression is horrible. But the long nights I stayed up with her, I believe helped her in some way, and she promised me that she wouldn't go. No matter what.
My brother is depressed because he was in an abusive relationship, with a manipulative stalker that hasn't backed the fuck off since February, even after he finally got out of it.
Another friend of mine that ships me and this friend, is living in a house full of people she should not be with, and self conscious to the point she doesn't like herself.
And now him.
I care about all my friends, and I wouldn't want to see any of them go. But these 4, I desperately can't live without.
So now you know. If anyone was wondering or curious to the reason why I've hardly been posting, or coming on, it's because of school and this.
I'm sorry for commissioners, people I'm doing collabs and art trades with, I have begun to work on them again. JTH has definitely become slow, but it's coming. And I actually finished drawing the first chapter of WUG (What's Up Guys) so be excited for that.
And art is slowly coming your way. I have a few school assignments I liked, which will be posted at some point. But until them, I need to get through this excruciating semester, and organize my life.
Thanks to those still there, and to the future ones that will come later. And to the ones who have just joined the Cheesecake army now. For you my little cheesecakes, you are the one's that keep me standing. It's nice to know my art makes you smile, laugh, entertained. And you look forward to more and wait patiently for it.
I love all of you guys.